


dear evan hansen, don't fuck this up

by naomi_winchester



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: But it's okay because he comes back, Evan actually dies, It's not really groundhog day or anything like that, M/M, Second Chances, Sort Of, Suicidal evan hansen, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Time Loop, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-24 06:12:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15624363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/naomi_winchester/pseuds/naomi_winchester
Summary: Shortly after the events of DEH, Evan Hansen kills himself.But he finds himself lost and a little more than confused when he wakes up back where everything started- the first day of senior year.Can he change his story?(PS. the Kleinsen is really really slow, sorry)





	1. Chapter 1

Before Evan does it, he writes one last note.

_To whoever it may concern:_

_I never meant to make it such a mess._

_And I know that there’s nothing that I can do to fix this. There’s nothing I can offer except an apology and the truth._

_The truth that I was never friends with Connor. I’d met him once, and he shoved me. Later, he apologized and signed my cast, then he read a letter that wasn’t meant to be read by anyone but my therapist. He misunderstood it, and then…_

_Then he ended his life._

_And I keep thinking it was my fault that he died. It probably was._

_But… soon I think I’ll join him, and who knows? Maybe I’ll be able to apologize to him in person._

_I guess I just figured, everyone here hates me, you know? They hate me for what I did and apologies aren’t enough._

_I’m hoping that ending my life might bring some peace to this entire situation, that it might end the lies, end the pain. I think everyone would be better off without me at this point. No one would miss me, I think._

_Sorry._

_Sincerely,_

_Me._

Evan gives the folded up letter a sad smile before he places it on his desk, on top of that cursed laptop where he’d formulated every lie with careful consideration, every mistake.

He gets up and makes his way to the bathroom, opening the medicine cabinet with quivering fingers.

The pills rattle in the bottle as his hand shakes, trying to twist off the lid. He struggles with it even though he’d been taking these pills for a long time, almost like his hands know the difference in his intentions. The bottle is heavy in his grip, weighing him down with the knowledge that _it’s different this time._

The lid finally pops off and Evan releases a sigh, a burst of air that he didn’t realize he’d been holding in.

He stares at the tiny capsules, considering them.

_Is this the right thing to do?_

Not allowing himself to think on it much longer, he dumps what’s left of his anxiety pills down the hatch, taking a nearby glass of water and swallowing it all down.

And then he waits. He stares at his reflection in the mirror until it becomes blurry, blurred with last minute thoughts and hopes and dreams.

_I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry._

_If I could go back, I would do it. If I could change it…_

_I’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorry_

Evan collapses and everything goes black.


	2. chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer, I DID use lines from the DEH script in here, don't @ me

When Evan wakes up, he’s in his bed, head aching.

_Shit. I failed._

His hands twitch, forming fists, and his brow furrows as he chokes back a cry. He couldn’t even kill himself right, _again._

For a while, he just lays there and tries to regain his thoughts. And while doing that, he then has a somewhat startling thought.

Why is he not in a hospital?

Abruptly, Evan sits up. Almost immediately his headache increases in volume, pounding against his skull, and he groans, bringing up a hand to rub his eyes.

“Ow!”

Evan’s eyes widen at the sudden shooting pain that goes up his left arm, freezing in place. His eyes slowly travel from his bedspread to his hand to his arm and-

_Holy shit _.__ Evan’s breathing gets quicker to nearly hyperventilating as he stares at the cast on his arm.

The cast on his arm that he remembers getting taken off _three weeks ago._

He turns his arm over, then is shocked not to see Connor’s name in bold black letters. It was just a plain white cast. Unsigned, in pristine condition.

Evan finally looks around his room, noticing just how _different_ it was. The clothes that had been carelessly tossed to the ground last he remembered were now gone, the carpet clean and freshly vacuumed.

“So, you just decided not to eat last night?”

Evan lets out a little scream, un-casted hand clutching his comforter to his chest, head turning sharply to the doorway.

Heidi sighs, leaning on the door frame. “You’re a senior in high school, Evan. You need to be able to order dinner for yourself if I’m at work. You can do it online now. You don’t have to- Evan?”

Evan feels it as a tear runs down his cheek, staring at his mom with wide eyes.

_His mom is talking to him again._

Heidi frowns, coming a bit closer. “Evan, honey, are you okay? I didn’t mean to make you cry- Oh!” She’s cut off by a sudden embrace from Evan, whose face is buried in her shoulder.

“M’Sorry,” he says, words muffled in her shirt.

Heidi frowns again, pulling back, hands on Evan’s shoulders. “Sorry for what?”

Evan frowns now. “For the…” he trails off, caught off guard by the complete confusion in his mother’s eyes.

She tilts her head, looking at him strangely. “Okay, well, you’ll have to get ready for school while you think about what it is you have to be sorry for. I’m not going to have you miss the first day,” she says matter of factly. Then she glances back at him, unsure. “Unless you’re not feeling well enough…?”

_It’s the first day of senior year._

Evan swallows.

_Connor’s alive._

“No, no, nO-” Evan tries to reassure her but sounds kind of panicked so he takes a deep breath to calm down. “No, I’m fine, Mom.” She gives him another strange look, so he tacks on, “I wouldn’t want to miss my first day, right?”

She smiles at him. “I’m glad you’re excited, Evan!”

She goes to leave but suddenly stops, turning towards him. “Did you write that letter to yourself? The one that Dr. Sherman wants you to do? You know, ‘Dear Evan Hansen-’”

“Yes,” Evan says, cutting her off.

He’s heard “Dear Evan Hansen” one too many times.

She smiles brighter. “I’m glad, honey! Those letters are going to help you, you know.”

Evan gives a wry smile, remembering all the damage those letters caused. “I know, Mom.”

“Alright then, I’ll just let you get ready then.” She leaves the room, making it silent once more.

Evan lets out a disbelieving scoff as he throws off the covers, looking at his cast. “There’s no way.”

And that’s what he keeps thinking, over and over as he get’s ready for school (aka putting on one of his several blue striped polos and a pair of jeans), grabs his bag, and gets on the bus.

Soon enough he’s at the school.

_God, what is Evan supposed to do?_

Evan frowns as he tries to remember what happened that day. Is he supposed to do exactly what he did last time?

He blanches at the thought as he fiddles with the combination on his locker.

_Definitely not._

“Hey! How was your summer?”

Evan starts, turning to see Alana Beck. “My…?”

She talks over him. “Mine was productive. I did three internships and ninety hours of community service. I know. Wow.”

He frowns. “Yeah, that’s um… wow. That’s really impressive.”

Alana smiles cheerfully, not noticing his mood. “Even though I was so busy, I still made some great friends.” Her smile falls a bit. “Or, well, acquaintances, more like.”

He notices her frown and gives her a tiny smile. “Do you want to maybe… do you want to sign my- um, my cast?”

She grins at the offer before looking at his arm. “Oh my God. What happened to your arm?”

He blinks. “Oh. Well. I broke it. I was climbing a tree-”

“Oh really? My grandma broke her hip…” Alana continues on with some sort of long story before leaving him at his locker, offer to sign his cast forgotten.

He turns and…

Jared Kleinman starts walking towards him.

Evan grins so hard that it might break his face.

Jared smirks back, saying in lieu of a greeting, “Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off too much or do you consider that an honor?”

Evan’s grin falls. “Wait. What? I didn’t, I wasn’t… doing that.”

Jared just keeps going, keeps pushing. “Paint me a picture,” he says, putting one arm over Evan’s shoulders and he waves the other in a grand gesture. “You’re in your bedroom, you’ve got Zoe Murphy’s Instagram up on your weird off-brand cell phone…”

Evan shoved Jared’s arm off of his shoulder, holding his casted arm close to him defensively. “That’s not what happened. I fell out of a tree,” he says sharply.

Jared raised his eyebrows skeptically, and _wow _,__ Evan forgot how much this hurts.

“You fell out of a tree? What are you, like, an-”

“An acorn?” Evan asks bitterly, absentmindedly staring at the ground as he says it.

“What?” Evan looks up to see Jared’s shocked face.

_Oh, I said something, didn’t I?_

Evan decides to ramble so that Jared forgets about it. “Well, I was, um… I worked this summer as an apprentice park ranger at Ellison State Park. I’m sort of a tree expert now, not to brag or anything, but…”

He looks expectantly at Jared, but Jared is looking at him weirdly, completely silent.

“Anyway,” Evan continues, “I tried to climb this forty foot tall oak tree.”

If Evan squints, Jared might look a little concerned. “And then you fell…?”

Evan laughs nervously. “Well, except it’s a funny story, because there was this solid ten minutes after I fell, when I just lay there on the ground waiting for someone to come get me.” He frowns, forgetting that he’s even talking to Jared. “Any second now, I kept saying to myself. Any second now, here they come…”

“Did they?” Jared asks, a strange expression on his face.

“No,” Evan says sullenly. “Nobody came.” He then forces a little laugh as he looks at Jared. “That’s the- that’s what’s funny.”

Jared grimaces, studying Evan in concern. “Jesus Christ.”

Evan swallows. “So,” he says, “How was your summer?”

Jared grins. “Well, my bunk dominated in capture the flag and I got to second base - below the bra - with this girl from Israel, who’s going to, like, be in the army… So yeah, hopefully that answers your question.”

_Sure it did,_ Evan thought, _if I asked if you were still a dick._

As Jared goes to leave, Evan doesn’t even bother to ask him to sign his cast. He’ll just get the answer he got before, “We’re _family friends _,__ Evan, blah blah blah, my parents pay my car insurance for me to talk to you,” and honestly, Evan’s not really in a good enough mood to hear that.

__At_ least he’s not mad at you, _Evan’s brain helpfully points out.

Evan sighs as he walks to class.

_At least there’s that._

“Hey, Connor!” Evan hears next to him.

_Oh god._

Evan looks up and watches as a few feet away, Jared saunters over to Connor Murphy, who _holy fuck_ , is breathing and very much alive.

“I’m loving the new hair length. Very school shooter chic.”

“Jared!” Evan hisses as he walks over, putting a hand on Jared’s arm, gripping it tight.

Jared turns and gives him a confused look. “What? I was kidding, it was a joke.”

Connor glares. “Yeah, no, it was funny. I’m laughing. Can’t you tell?” He steps forward, startling Jared into taking a step back. “Am I not laughing hard enough for you?”

Evan lets go of Jared’s arm as Jared backs away from Connor, frowning. “You’re such a freak,” Jared spits out before leaving.

And there it is. Evan and Connor in the hallway. Together.

Evan stifles the nervous chuckle that wants to come out, knowing how well that went last time, but he just ends up staring at Connor awkwardly, not knowing what to say.

“What the fuck are you staring at?” Connor finally asks.

Evan’s eyes widen, and he panics. “N-nothing, I’m- just, um.” He takes a deep breath. “Sorry. F-for, um, for Jared.”

Scared to do more than that, Evan bolts for class, not staying long enough to see what Connor would do next.


	3. chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter in! 
> 
> I'm gonna try to keep up with this fic, I'm really really really into it right now. But school IS going to start soon, so I'm not sure if that will interfere or not. We'll see.
> 
> -naomi

During lunch, Jared confronts Evan about what happened. 

“Why’d you get all upset? It’s not like Murphy is your friend or whatever,” he says, angrily unwrapping a sandwich.  

Evan frowns, that familiar feeling of frustration bubbling under his surface. “B-because there’s no need for it. Especially considering his… fragile state.” 

Jared stops what he’s doing, giving Evan a skeptic look. “What does  _ that  _ mean? Connor Murphy is anything but fragile.” 

_ Oops.  _ Evan starts sweating, hands wringing his shirt in a familiar, well-practiced motion.  _ He said too much again. _

“That’s not the p-point, Jared.” 

Jared slams his sandwich on the table, eyes narrowed. “Then what  _ is  _ the point, Evan?” 

Evan gulps, quickly maneuvering his gaze to his hands, which are probably wearing a hole into his striped polo by now. “A-all I’m saying is, is, um. Just that, you know, maybe he’s dealing with something right now and you shouldn’tmesswithhim?” 

Jared scoffs, picking up his sandwich again. “Since when did you care if Connor Murphy’s dealing with something? I thought it was Zoe you were all hyped up about.” Jared’s eyes widen. “Unless… you’re a closet gay and you’re actually in love with Connor instead.” 

Evan glares. “Jared, s-shut up. I don’t- I don’t like either of them like that,” he says, opening his mini milk carton. 

Jared’s eyebrows go up. “Either of them? You don’t like Zoe?” 

Dammit. Evan should really just shut his mouth. 

“N-no. Not. Not anymore, okay? It was just a crush, it’s over with.” 

Jared takes a bit of his sandwich, shrugging. “Whatever,” he says. “I just don’t understand why you care about what I say to Connor. It’s not your business, it’s not like he’s your friend.” 

Evan’s lips tilt down into a disapproving frown. “M-maybe I want him to be my friend.” 

Jared laughs, taking another bite of his sandwich, and with a full mouth, asks dubiously, “Why would you want that? You already have friends, Evan.” 

“Do I?” Evan asks bitterly, staring at the table. 

Jared swallows the bite of sandwich, giving Evan a hesitant look that the other boy doesn’t notice. “I’m your friend, aren’t I?” 

Evan’s hand clenches in his shirt, Jared’s words from another world echoing through his mind. The answer was clear, wasn’t it? And sooner than he realized, he was staring Jared right in the eye and saying, “Family friend, Jared. There’s a difference.” 

Jared is taken aback, and Evan instantly regrets saying anything, the hurt swirling in Jared’s hazel eyes dragging him into a whirlpool of guilt.  

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jared asks slowly. 

Evan thinks back once again to those dark four years where Jared had said the same thing to him. They had been the best of friends; they told each other everything, talked to each other day and night, and they almost never fought.  

And Jared, he used to actually  _ care  _ about him. He never told him to  _ get a life,  _ that his love of trees was lame. He never left him sitting alone in a class they had together. He never talked about Evan behind his back to seem cool.  

Then, Evan guesses that Jared grew up. He found out what life like was outside of tiny, scared Evan Hansen, and he decided it was better than what he had.  

Which, to be fair, Evan thought it probably was.  

Evan sighs, slouching in his seat, looking down at the table, going with the truth. “Maybe I just want a friend t-that doesn’t tell me that the, um- that the only reason they hang out with me is b-because if they don’t they- they’ll have to pay their own car insurance, y’know?” He absentmindedly picks up his fork, swishing it through the mashed potatoes on his lunch tray before putting it back down. 

Jared says nothing, strangely silent. 

“I’m- I’m lame enough,” Evan continues sullenly, nervously picking at his cast. “I don’t want my only friend to be someone that’s forced to be friends with me.” 

When he finally takes a cautious glance at Jared,  he’s staring at the table with a troubled gaze. Evan loses his nerve, taking his tray with shaking hands and leaving. 

After dumping it, Evan doesn’t know what to do. Lunch isn’t even nearly over and usually… well, usually he would just follow Jared around like a lost little puppy. 

In the end, he decides to go to the computer lab since the teacher leaves during lunch and doesn’t really care who goes in there. When Evan goes in, he briefly considers writing a “Dear Evan Hansen” letter for his therapist and mom, but then decides against it.  

_ Better safe than sorry. _

He sits in a rolly chair, sighing as he slouches, putting his crossed arms on the table, chin resting on his arms. Maybe he could take a nap. 

“Hey, Evan, right?” 

Evan sighs. Guess not. 

He turns, becoming startled at the sight of Connor. 

“Oh. Oh! Evan, yes. That’s- um, that’s my name, yeah.”  

Connor gives him a strange look but doesn’t say anything. Then he tilts his head. “How’d you break your arm?” 

Evan scratches the back of his neck. “I, uh, I fell? I was climbing a tree and I fell out of it.”  

“That’s the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.” Connor gives him an almost impressed look as he can’t help but laugh. 

Evan looks down and frowns, giving a small forced laugh. “I know.” 

Connor stops laughing almost immediately, hesitant. “No one’s signed your cast.” 

Evan almost smiles. “No, I know.” 

Connor offers a hesitant smile. “I’ll sign it.” 

Evan blushes, eyes locked on that smile for a split second before falling to the floor. “You, um… You don’t have to.” 

Connor steps closer to Evan. “I want to,” he says firmly.  

Evan blinks. Did he say that last time? Evan’s pretty sure he didn’t.  

His thoughts get interrupted by Connor asking, “Do you have a sharpie?” 

Nervously, Evan digs a sharpie out of his pants pocket and hands it to the taller boy. Connor takes it with a smile, uncaps it, and writes out his name in giant letters, covering an entire side of the cast.  

_ Just like it should be _ , Evan thinks with a tiny smile. 

This time, when Evan says thanks, he means it. He smiles up at Connor, who caps the pen again and holds it out to Evan. “Now we can both pretend we have friends,” he says, almost darkly, like he didn’t expect anything less. 

Evan reaches for the pen, but hesitates. “Or… we could- that is, um, if you want, we could be real friends?” He nervously looks up at Connor, who is giving him a strange look. Evan takes the pen, shoving it in his pocket, a flurry of words falling out of his mouth. “Nevermind, it was stupid, I guess I just thought-” 

“You’d want that?” Connor asks. Evan stops rambling and looks up, confused. Connor frowns. “I just thought you wouldn’t want to be friends with me. I can get pretty intense sometimes, and you seem… a bit scared of that kind of thing? I don’t know.” 

“I, um… I-I don’t m-m-mind,” Evan stutters out. 

Connor’s lips tilt up in a half smile. “Yeah?” 

Evan nodded his head nervously. “Yeah.” 

Connor nods again. “Okay. I- I got to go, but I’ll see you tomorrow?” 

Evan let’s out a breathy laugh. “Yeah. I-uh, totally.” 

Connor gives another small smile and turns on his heel, swiftly walking out of the room.  

Evan watches him go, breathless.  

_ See you tomorrow. See you tomorrow. See you tomorrow. _

Did he just prevent Connor Murphy’s suicide?  

Evan let’s out a disbelieving laugh, and it turns into happy, breathless laughter. “I did it,” he whispers between giggles. “I did it!” He does a happy twirl. “I fucking did it!” he says with glee. 

For once in his life, Evan Hansen couldn’t wait for tomorrow. 


End file.
